


Can't Change My Mind

by yousingloveyou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, but i thought of larry/ziam when writing it, mentioning of self harm, no names mentioned, youre free to think of them as whoever you want them to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:52:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yousingloveyou/pseuds/yousingloveyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two boys, both with their own struggles. They don't know how much they can help each other yet but they will find out eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Change My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> No names mentioned so if you have a different otp you can imagine them. This is my first story on ao3 hope you'll like it even though its very short :) -------- song is The Weight of Living Part II by Bastille

He sits in his room, it's only a few minutes to four in the morning and, just like every other day, like every single second of every day for as long as he can remember, he is scared. Scared of changing. Scared of growing old. But what he's most scared of is staying the way he is, forever. He hates the way his mind works and sometimes he just wishes his inner voice would shut up and stop whispering about all the things he already knows. 

He knows that he's failing. Falling apart on the inside.

People might not notice because he's constantly smiling, nice to everyone, someone who can light up your day just by talking with you for a few minutes. But that's not who he really is, at least not all of it. 

He can read people. And that would be a good thing if it didn't make things so easy for him. He doesn't even have to try hard and still nobody notices what a mess he is on the inside. And sometimes he just wishes that someone would see everything, that someone would care.

His thoughts just go in circles, they go from wanting to change his whole life and just make a run for it and never come back to trying to hide who he really is. Not just from everyone around him but from himself as well. 

He doesn't want to have to think as much anymore, he wants silence. 

Peace.

Unfortunately, he can't have that. Because that's not how life works. Immediately finding what you're looking for isn't something that happens to normal people. Especially not those who are too caught up in their own thoughts to actually look for what they need. They just stumble around in the dark, trying so hard but it's never enough. 

He doesn't like who he's become. He knows that he won't be able to change who he is but that doesn't mean that he can't try, right? Right. So that's what his life is all about now. He remembers that, when he was a child, he'd look up to the older kids and wish to be their age. He wanted to see the world. Now he's seen more than he wanted, and it's not possible to un-see those things. He's lost control but he hasn't quite realised that yet. Somewhere, in the dark corners of his mind, there might be the thought of it, the realisation that will come over him, sooner rather than later, and that will wash over him and either leave him behind, with wobbling legs maybe, but stronger. 

Or it will take him with it, to a better place. 

But that point in time has yet to come. For now, he's pretending. Pretending that he's fine, determined that he can still change everything for the better. 

So that's why he sits there on his bed, at 3:59am, just waiting for the last few seconds before the alarm of his alarm clock goes off to pass. When the sound shrills, he sits up, slowly. He reaches out for the button on the clock and then the silence is back. But it's soon disturbed again by the rustling of clothes as he strips out of his colourful pyjamas and puts on black sweats. The innocence of the sleep is gone and he tip toes out of his room, down the stairs and out of the front door. As soon as the dark wooden door closes behind him with a quiet click, he sighs deeply, shaking out his limbs before he takes off in a run. 

He runs for a good hour, only stopping when he's breathing so hard, he thinks he might pass out. But he's used to this by now, he does it every morning. He knows the exact moment when he has to stop so he won't hurt himself. That's not something he wants to do, at least not in public. 

After he's finished his running he stops at a little park and starts the second part of his morning workout. It basically just involves stretching, crunches, sit ups, squats. Simple things but a lot of them. It's exhausting but he's sure that this is the only way to change himself, make him better than he was yesterday. They say that's the only goal you should have, becoming a better person every day. And he is capable of doing so, he has to be. He needs to be in control of his own life again. He doesn't want to give up on that control, he won't share it with anyone because it would mean sharing responsibility and he's just so uncomfortable with others being responsible for him. It's not that he doesn't trust them, he just doesn't like it. 

Because that would be weird, not trusting anyone, wouldn't it? 

When he's finished with this part of his workout as well, he sits down. The sun is sending light over the park, making the grass, trees and everything else glow. Not in an overpowering way, where the beauty seems to choke you. The light is just pure and innocent and he likes it. He likes the thought of being the only one who gets to see this. He focuses on a spot to his right, where there are less trees and bushes, and the light seems to be even brighter there, shining through the fog. 

And then there is something, in the middle of the brightness. A shadow that seems to be coming towards him who's still just sitting there, in his black sweats that are slightly dampened by the grass by now. His first thought is to just get away because he doesn't like to be around people. Especially not when he isn't prepared for it. But when the shadow comes closer, he sees that it's a boy, just like him, and even though his facial features aren't even recognizable yet, he is beautiful. The light seems to ooze from his skin, even though the lad sitting on the grass knows that it's just his mind and the light playing with his vision. But still, he can't breathe. 

The other boy doesn't seem to notice him, he just walks closer and closer, and then he walks past him. And it's as if the boy on the ground's heart is screaming at him to get moving, pulling him up and after the beauty that just walked by him. 

During the past few months, he'd always felt as if his life was on fast forward, as if he was rushing through everything and the only way to experience things was to look back at them, simply because they flew by him so fast that he got scared they'd leave him behind and he'd have to live in a dark place without anything happening at all, simply because he was too slow to keep up with his life. Everything was going so fast, he couldn't concentrate on anything. 

But now, everything slows down. His entire being, all of his thoughts, his whole life, narrows down to the moment right then and there. And to the lad who's now a good ten metres away. 

And the boy jumps up from where he was sitting, stumbling from the sudden movement but still running off the exact same second, taking off after the other boy. 

"WAIT!" he yells, willing his legs to move even faster, suddenly not scared of losing himself, but scared of losing that boy. 

And maybe, that's exactly what he needed. Someone who made him care. He stopped caring about himself, he just wanted to create an image for the world around him to see so he could make it through his life. Unseen, unloved, not cared for but at least without harassment. 

And now he just wants to make it through life with this boy by his side and he doesn't care about anything else. Not caring is nothing new for him. The new part is that he does care. About this boy, this beautiful boy, without even knowing him. And maybe nothing will happen between them, they might not even stay friends. But the boy who started this day without any hopes, without any expectations for this day or his life whatsoever, now feels something. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough of a something to get him to change his life. Not himself, like he tried to, but the way he acts on his feelings that will come back to him eventually, hopefully. 

And the other boy might not be there to see what he caused without even realising, how much of an influence he had on someone else's life. 

Or he might be there and wonder. Wonder how someone as amazing as the boy who's running after him right now, who he hasn't even looked at once yet, could go through his life for so many years without treating himself right once. 

In that case, he'll do everything he can to make that change and make the other boy love himself the way he will love him. 

The boy who's casually walking through the park, unaware of the other lad running behind him, doesn't know what might happen, but when he turns around and a skinny boy, who has an expression on his face that can only be described as a mixture between scared and determined, is running towards him, he smiles. His whole face lights up and so does the face of the other lad. 

And then they just stand there, smiling at each other, before something, an invisible force, pulls them the last metre towards each other and then they're in each other's arms. 

They both have their problems, both of them were sure they were doing the right thing for themselves and everyone around them, hiding who they really are. They thought that nothing could ever make them change their minds about that.

But now there they are. The one boy in the black sweats which stick to his legs that ache from all the running and workout. 

And the other boy in a long sleeved black shirt, his arms and wrists stinging, no blood visible on the dark fabric. Or maybe there is no blood, because this morning he felt like going for a walk, just after the sun had risen, rather than hurting himself. 

And both boys have forgotten about their physical pain that will still be there after the hug ends. What they haven't forgotten about is their emotional pain. 

But the thing they don't know is, that this pain might not be gone, but will at least be smaller and easier to carry after this one hug. 

And the weight of living isn't holding them down as much as it used to.


End file.
